I named you. cleaned you. vet-ed you. fed you. taught you. water-ed you. called you. teeth-ed you. rubbed you. cared for you. walked you. spanked you. towel-ed you. loved you. touched you. slept with you. drove you. saved you. ran after you. protected you. read about you. learned with you. toy-ed you. bathed you. medicated you. dried you. combed you. vaccinated you. screamed you. punished you. forgave you. cried with you. carried you. whispered you. spoke to you. treated you. starved you. played with you. thought of you. hugged you. kissed you. wanted you. came home for you.
my baby. youre a pedigree from australia. had a brother and sister. and a little white tip at the end of your tail. if you ever wonder why you were named El-ley. its because mommy insisted on getting a male and naughty girl you were in your brother’s cage. mommy remained indignant and met your brother. the klutzes at the shop put your brother with you in a play pen. and as if you wanted to tell me that you would be stronger and better in every way. you pinned him up hands down. and i bought it. that show you mimed to me. i bought it. in the literal sense. i wish now.
and darling. El refers to he or him in spanish. the language your mommy loves. and you’ll always be a part of mommy like how ley will always be a part of shirley.
i know you wonder who took you away. im sorry i dont know that stranger too. if that person ever tells you that your mommy misses you. thats one thing you must believe. mommy will be strong for and with you.
and i will never ever forget why you went away.
p/s. te quiero el, siempre.
people search for directions everyday of their lives. for a crest or placard to lead the way. for a motion or wave to guide in the taken route. for an omen or premonition to give due for a deter or detour. in those many life’s crossroads. to graduate with an inked rubber stamp of living. of being. of loving.
but what happens when there are just too many signs. too many directions. all for a path thats everything but going your way. and every step you take forward or back. is either many efforts away. or as many efforts out of the way. automatism has presided over voluntary action/inaction. and taken over as a way of life. an entire framework of mind alien even to its own. like signboards and notices. you find willing arms and ears embracing you along the way. unnecessary. yet very much indispensable. they stand alone from where they are. but through and for you seek allegience in their loneliness. giving birth to harnesses capable of withholding sanity. and more.
naturally. but not too surprisingly. every wrong doesnt seem too wrong. and every right feels more right. under that facade of value-added strength and independence. it is and always will be all good. but when that facade tires. and fades. everything that you think works for you. suddenly doesnt.
im chilling. getting too cold for even me to comprehend. i put my sweater back on and realise its inside out. but it doesnt matter cus at the end of the day. it still keeps me warm. i cant recall which one of those many times that i stopped moving in sync. stagnated with much help. and retreat became the way. my way. once again. but making heads meet where the ends sit. has finally taken its toll.
i chased 2 things away today. one belonged to me. the other didnt. i wasnt the type to have happy endings in a karma sort of way. guess i dont deserve it. or maybe i just didnt allow it. mind over matter has always been the way for me.
and a lifetime of it sounds just fine.
current aural of bricking - My Interpretation by Mika.
