on a day that most would reckon the last day of the week. you call it the first day of yours. for the thoughts and emotions of this day would usually carry itself over to complete the week. from the time when this day upheaved a whole new significance. compromising situations have been unfolding itself one after another in a never ending blanket around you like never before. so close to comfort. this blanket warms you yet at the same time stifles you. one would assume with such proximity things would very much be within your control and executed accordingly but no. we forget that this blanket of situations has a life on its own. for it consists not of one homogeneous lifeline. but of many different heartbeats which pump a different expectation individually. despite doing more bad then good at most times. you give due to the latter and bear the cross for the former. for these heartbeats are of people whom you and you alone allowed for distances to be breached. or guards to be let down. or time to pass. or different ships to sail. whether spoken or muted. you could never not bother or stop caring in some way or another. for reasons nobody would or could try to understand. hence you keep these thoughts of reason indoors. cus once they are let out. usually only when affected and/or necessary (by your standards). they appear wild and homeless. with no proper upbringing or good intentions flowing from it. it is just always the case. that one apple of everybody’s eye. a rotten one. without a core.
truth is but just a whisper away. yet choice comes before it. youve been brought up to know honesty like the back of your scarred hand. and you will continue to learn it. in the hardest most impossible way. the only way you know. silent truths in the face of a cruel lie. yes nobody looks too far beyond. but you cant shed the clothes that have become your skin anyway.
you hear what everybody says. and you know it isnt true. youre not here for trouble. all pleasures are the same for you. it keeps you from trouble. and hides that prideful pain. i know you get cold. cus you just cant leave things well alone. but you have to remember that you are different. your accident proneness is beyond normal. cus trouble never fails to find you. of which you have scars to prove for. you have indeed come a long way. dont give up. not yet. not like this. Life just has such a way with you now. something it never quite did. do get back on your feet soon.
oh how i detest self pity.
current aural of down against the wall - Smoke by Natalie Imbruglia.
