VERBAL DIARRHOEA

not being able to find the thermometer. was the worst hand life could have dealt me with in a time like this. a quick recollection reveals that even the paparazzi incidents did not get me nearly half as near to the ground as this did. quite literally. then it was the dog that cried wolf. and almost certainly got close to giving me a much missed fuck session to the already quite fried mind. so it seems. nothing gets me too up or down these days. except when it comes to the very doggy kind of woes.

it honestly hasnt been too hard. living and reaping all of life’s idiosyncrasies with the hands that have been lending me everything i could possibly borrow. because i havent been left to be alone at all. thou on a bad day it feels pathetic. cus these endearing dwellings are of an intangible life so virtual that it most certainly cannot possibly resemble any reflection of a full fledge reality. but on a good day. it all just feels like peaches and cream. without the cream. the way i liked it. that nothing has changed too much. as you rush home for dinner or drinks or just simply. tea sessions. all is good up to the very point of going to sleep. when it hits you. quite simply. and you wonder how long you can go on in this state of denial of those handful of geographically foreign arms. and in a state of insolence to those tangible hands that have probably tried too many times to keep on trying. for you. but do any of these hands really know. why and how you do what you do. above the closest and most caring words. and beneath that snobbish and most unapproachable face. guess it doesnt matter at the end of the day. because this is how you want to be perceived. and you always get what you want. when you fight for it. you know that only too well.

and i have fought too hard indeed. for this independence. a war which began since i can only recount now as ‘a little girl’. to realise that the life i had before here and now. back in a place that was too hot too boring too stagnant and too insufficient. was all i could ever have wanted. the zone of comfort that i left behind did not now reek of soreness at all. but merely just confusion. as i wonder to myself everyday. that who in the right state of mind would put themselves through this. then i realise not too late but too surely. that that person was me. someone who could not ever be satisfied with her life no matter how perfect it may seem to most. someone who could not fit into the world as just any living thing. being what everybody wanted. or wanting what everybody else had. from the naughtiest girl in school to the acclaimed survivor today. guess i have never at any point of my life kept to the social norms. the rules. or even the deadlines. it really wasnt something i strived to achieve or even wanted to be. it just was and always have been that way. that easy. and the best thing was that it always worked out for me. somehow. till now.

in the past. having time alone to myself much too often was a right to choice that i frequently exercised and enjoyed. for solitude was something i never feared. and called it my independence. undertaking in with nothing but pride. all because i had everything at my fingertips. and was not afraid of anything. at present. the calling can only be said to have not changed. but the odds most certainly have. and that could well simply be anything. or everything.

current aural of newfound fear - Second Chance by Shinedown.