i have stopped holding onto bus tickets. to fold them into effortlessly proportionate arrows and then leaving them behind like footprints wherever i went and left. because i know now as if i havent always known that no matter how many arrows i make. it will never propel me any further ahead in time. and even if by some bewitching enchantment it did accomplish that realistically unsound feat. i wouldnt even know where i truly wanted to be now.
i honestly havent always been this chilling. especially so when i think back of the years and peers. the people that stepped in and out of my life. and the people i stepped on and all over to just have my head keep above water level. never in my two and a quarter decade of time have i found sanity so incomprehensible to the point that it was almost impossible to know much less pre-empt. the kind you could not even blackmail yourself into keeping. and the only way you could and would hold on to it was to kidnap yourself out of this world. where you literally have to take yourself out of everything because anything at all would just be something even if it was nothing. setting the ransom heaven high so no one not including yourself could afford bail or a pay out clause. they say that life is a rollercoaster. but even such a ride had to have its ups. or at least the control buttons to resume pause or stop it at any time. mine had none.
i used to think that people put up walls not to keep others out. but to see who cared enough to break them down. i used to think that people was me. but ive come to realise that the more walls i put up and around me. the lesser space i had to move and live in. at one point of time. i even walled up the sky i looked to and the ground i walked on. conveniently compromising even the most decent of space to breathe in. strangely enough. claustrophobia appeared to be of the least concern in my long lists of. as i drew more than too many lines and made no secret of it. i was sick. yet expected of in some way or another everywhere. and eventually turning up and out nowhere.
i felt like i was pandora’s box. that i would bring nothing short of pain and grief to the people i knew and cared about. whether they felt me or cared enough not to. there really wasnt many ways things could have turned out. because the only equation i have worked out for myself was simply impossible to work out. for those who helped guard those walls of mine. or those who went to great lengths and even greater breaths to get to and through to me. i just kept on adding more bricks to my wall and even more cement to strengthen it. it was just a premeditated deadlock for me by me. how could i not succeed me? yes i remained invincible. but at what costs. call me blind but i still cant seem to quite find the price tag on sanity.
nobody counts days anymore. we just want to make any one day count.
current aural of to the extreme and back - If Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback.
