if you asked whether i am happy. i would say maybe. if you asked whether i made a right decision. i would say hopefully. if you asked whether i am alive. i would say impossibly. contentment is really a double-edged sword which stifles growth and betterment. as for conviction. it is very simply a luxury for the people on the sidelines. and sadly. i just wasnt raised to sit on the sidelines.
that being said. i am thankful for being able to get through days without being questioned of my ability to give and having to talk my way in/out of a series of consequences from a chain of the uninformed decisions of yesterdays. as i rise to the occasion that has been consistently painted drawn and written for me no matter how many times i have insensitively ignored or overlooked it. because my eyes were made to set on the bull’s eye of one soul with not two faces but evidently. too many facades.
autumn has come around again. so it seems. climates arent the only things that are taking a full swing back. looking at where i am now and prideful as i am to say the least. im not proud of it. not because i appear to have subconsciously chosen to be nowhere. but because i am somewhere i think i dont really want to be in at the hands of my own conscious choice. by virtue of my principles i wont say things that are twattered with truths that indulge in the self so much that they become untruths. yet by my virtuous principal i cant say more because that would be outright lying. yes thats how thin the lines are for me. but i seek comfort in the knowing that at least theyre no longer blurred. and in the knowledge that humans can be virtuous but it doesnt always entail having virtues. and vice versa.
then there are the times that i could almost tangibly take one foot off from the brakes. only to realise everytime that there was no way to justify doing so because the omnipotent common sense would tell you that you could not let go of the clutch when your car’s in a stationary position. yet any common bystander would remind you that even if the car was in motion. my feet was not going to sit still or quietly on the dashboard. so then it becomes a game of scrabble where point-scoring is as key as key can be to get the car back into ignition.
indeed. it has come to my retarded understanding that there was no way that i could be myself or say something spontaneously without having to provide a disclaimer for. it was as if i had an imaginary guardian angel who would whisper in my ear as and when. “you may choose not to say anything but if and when you do. your words may and will be used against you as is deemed fit in any situation under any circumstances notwithstanding whatever changes whether ongoing or past. duress or contributory factors will never be considered”. hell i even hear it in my sleep sometimes.
people would be affected by the deliverance. hurt by the choice of words. upset with the tone of voice or disappointed with the incapable memory. i could never be (not that i cared to be) the damsel in distress because even if i got to a point of being dangerously and destructively distressed. i am hardly ever damsel enough.
but why should i be so damned and different from fellow sapians who find themselves also stuck in puddles of shit from time to time. where the only real (possibly also imagined) difference beyond a reasonable doubt and by a clear mile. is that i quite really do seem to have the damn rare shoes (not knack) for shit. when it is only so because i painstakingly and very necessarily put myself through something like a diet of the mind. where i manually choose not to indulge in certain appetites. but i wonder if i have in fact reached some level of honesty that is actually beginning to border on stupidity.
so i came here incognito. with a clear lack of courage. i gave up my love of bingo to play russian roulette with my own life.
you love i. because i wont take your shit. and you know we wouldnt have it any other way.
current aural of good will hunting - Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park.
