everyone knows. misery loves a good company. we must hence be the greatest company possible on days without the sun. amidst drunken laughters and emo tears. our tempers have become instantly connected. and our level of individual reasoning and dramatics. impossibly telepathic. the higher beings. if in existence. have somehow survived a war of conflicting quasi-beliefs and taken to a full consensus across the skies on being strictly impartial in conferring levels of funpeaceandlaughter to narrow down the income gap between the happy and miserable companys of mankind.
because we cherish and respect. others and ourselves. because grudges weigh us down. because life’s too short. because wer not each other. because we will never completely understand. because it will never be all good. because it will only get better.
that was easy. saying and tipping instead of doing and tripping. im all talk really. the grudges i bear. apart and alone. i can barely keep count. they grow from being foolish like downpours at fireworks. to being goulish like broccolis at halloween. i wanna say revenge is sweet. but it isnt. all these time ive known. i saw those same lines about cars. i heard those same cars on the line. sometimes i wonder why i ached when im not required to. why i pretend when im not equipped to. with much self-condemnation and concurrance. i shrunk so pathetically in character as to relish in my dystopic world of fairytale perfection. i stooped so low as to mediocre my mind with light ears. but to whom do i owe the biggest apology? no one’s been crueller than ive been to myself.
i am moving on/away. with innate endeavours at discarding large parts of my mind and retaining just a minute portion of it. to bring on/away with me. its a very safe procedure with virtually no risk of dementia or schizophrenia. and morbidly high chances of wholesome recovery through amoebification. chances of pain with inflammations and allergies may arise inevitably but are generally not of life-threatening nature.
meatly distracted. blissfully vegetated. my life is fruitfully moving forward. peppered almost to perfection. i am indeed. too hung on to be hung up elsewhere. i stay. much determined. ever ill-equipped. here. with juices and sparks. away. from stars and trains.
current aural of en route - What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts.
someone once said that people ate plastic for a living. and how we should just see it as a way of life and live with it. having lived the life i lived in the world i live. i comprehend this fuller than full on many occasions. the masterminds behind the masterpieces that we are today. lets. why shouldnt we.
is it me or is my blog starting to look purportly depressing. the latter without a doubt. havent tipped my fingers of late. and it has come to my retarded realisation that despite my blessings shouting out to the world. it is my throbbing adversities that i tread in my ink world. and i’d like to see this as my living process. where i moment the rough edges. rounding myself in within the boundaries where the grass still is green. and the rain falls. while the sun shines. still.
this took a few tads too long but 2007 couldnt have been lived through/with any better. bliss manifested itself in more ways than the 51days that have flown by thus far. the inevitable subtractions. the beautiful additions. the happiness/laughter multiplications. the burden divisions. the ultimately equal balance which makes the bitch of a life still as seductive. if not more.
been waking up on a high most days. but today. i woke up with a yawn. that chilly exchange swallowed whole. overwhelmingly churned in my tummy. it may have been shared before dawn. but on seeing clockrise. shed more warmth than chillis in the mouth did. that yawn. is but a pawn to cheat Life. as the rebel in me steals one-fifth of its colourless volume for the combustion of colours in mine. patronise me not oxygen. im past caring that.
knowingly i downed her with my bitter font and front. unknown to me. i drowned in her unbitter tears instead. the side of her perhaps only few have witnessed. someone who can always find something good in everything and everyone. someone who leads life difficult to make it desirably simple. someone who cares about me. and the things that matter to me. someone who means more with each new day. that someone has tried. this someone. will try.
you never expect life to throw you so totally off plan. that desperation for change. that cherish for good old times. that desire for experience. that hope in the unknown. that faith in me. has rubbed off on me more then i really know. or willingly comprehend.
current aural of rainy days - On A High by Duncan Sheik.
time. i no longer have any concept of it. living with the only knowing that it is flying by. and the knowledge that it is lived through. somehow. doing some thing. it can be quite a mess if i recall. in this state of insolent willfulness. but it is fine. for now.
thoughts. reeled in. then spat out. chasing the same lines over familiar ground. one thing remains. unchanged. there can be nothing more important. than making sure my shoes walk right.
transitions. they make me sick. in obvious forms like car/bus/train/plane rides. or subtly in the context of start and destination. they exhaust time in its entirety. and inexplicably cost too much. many a times much more than their worth. such is life. covering distances. the inevitable means to an end?
memories. they vanish into your conciousness. and reappear in another form. it is recollected now. that i have never possessed. and cannot speak of letting go.
liberation. just one of the many languages i speak. it was far more than you bargained for. it was far more than im equipped for. all wont be lost. if im governed by my own innateness. all is good. if i dont simply look at/imagine/presume/question. the signs. i just need to read. and believe.
pride. was humbled by your humble nature. hearing my doubts so selectively. beating myself up and over-functioning. blaming myself in the being. it was fine to be cautious. but now. im just sorry. and proud. no more.
"A wonderful smell of spiced pepper wafted her. She remembered the broccoli casserole and felt hungry. Hurriedly she closed her notebook, and set her pen down. At the doorway, with the broom in one hand and the fork poised halfway through his mouth, he brushed back an imaginary wisp of hair - something he did only when he was about engage a grave disposition. Or if the conversation was communicated effectively, he would hang up, when she least expects it. Sometimes, mid-sentence.
Slowly, but surely. he turns her off. like how she repels her own desire…"
the last time i brisked this far this long. wasnt cus i was ecstatic. the difference this time round was the haste with which it was executed. going with the flow. of the traffic. more obediently then i do the absurdity of pride. i would have absconded with increased steps. if it wasnt for them blistering heels. the policeman couldnt stop me. neither could the taxi drivers. or the desperate male owls. of cus they couldnt pick me up. i wanted to walk. and i wasnt drunk.
had no idea where i was going. only knew that i had to walk. away. as fast as i could. at the material time. the worry was all that filled the rational mind. it meant something. but the more steps i took. wary quicky took over. like what the hell is wrong with me. havent these years taught enough. how crazy can i get. why do i never learn.
this morning was a weary one. felt most helpless. and futile. thought too much as usual. too much for my own good. there she is. having one of the worst days possible. and here i am. feeling sorry for myself. i am pathetic. disgusting. and most insensitive.
thought i could afford it. simply because i wanted it. but ive come to terms with the fact that i cant. some people wait a lifetime. to fall into our place. the place that fails us all the time. but i. am walking.
december come quick. i need that getaway.
current aural of the extremist - Trip by Hedley.
that film. grew on me for all the wrong reasons. somehow or another. i felt most disconcerting in my seat. enviable intensity. undeniable energy. capable pride. indisposable feelings. escapable time. impossible insanity. inevitable conflicts. shared initiative.
wouldnt it be nice. if someone stepped up too.
in another most unspectacular of fashion. the red carpet entrance. the familiar black shoes lay. where have they been. how far have they travelled. who let them in. why have they come. what do they want. when are they leaving. again.
absence makes the heart fonder. not.
papa please. fond my heart.
current aural of misgivings - Breathe by Michelle Branch.
who do you think you are. people have no qualms accepting days without the sun. yet silly you get pampered so much to burn in the sun. with what do you brace purposeful cemented walls. who the hell cares what you have done to prepare for such a stint. without defences. you fight a losing war. comfort is not reason enough for you to be careless. you should know better.
from lights up to lights out. rationalising beer-y nicotine and assumptions. getting out of the pool was way too hard. the equation of happiness showed signs of crack. but faith kept it from crashing down altogether. mistaken faith. the weight of my pride has once again proof-ed too much to bear. nothing too unfamiliar. sprawled on the cold hard floor of what at one point of time not long ago was filled with cherished people. my body ached. so did my mind. and eyes. only then did it occur to me. that the unlittle red riding hood relationships had unknowingly formed livelihoods.
caught a movie with me yesterday. been awhile since i last desired to be alone. too many changes it seems alot of time has gone by. yet a quick check on reality. reveals that only this near negligible amount of time has come to pass.
since the trip i tripped. been in the mood to author. and in all consciousness. unknowingly bought to life another chapter of my lucid doppelganger. thefusionpotofoblivion. equates undeniably unhappiness. yes everybody deserves to be happy. but most of us just dont have the balls to be responsible for it. whos to complain. i for one didnt dare to be too happy. and this at most times is benign. at other times. its fucking painful.
memories can have retrospective effect on current memory. and im facing the demons now. realise ive started looking back already. since awhile ago. with only 3 simple (maybe not) Ws. i’ll be watching my back. before the downhill. i was watching hers.
love is the reason why two people who dont ‘have to’, ‘want to’ stay together. shit happens all the time. but without unmistaken wants. there is nothing. but what is it. when nothing means something. and when some things. mean nothing. i may require help with this.
i was broke out of prison. to get here. lost. half the cards isnt enough to stack it any higher. and it seems too idealistic for anyone to comprehend how words and tones absolutely impossibly completely gets to me. but that overwhelming sunday you wrote. hit me so hard. i fell so hard. your rightings. i cant handle it. and i shouldnt want what i cant handle. you shouldnt too.
current aural of insane helplessness - Chasing Cars by Snow Petrol.
romance and all its strategising. leaves me battling with my truth. the meticulous clock. with its imperative procrastination. exhibits shamelessly our unsuspecting selfishness. exploits indefinitely the spectrum of our insisting fears. and as it mercilessly craves immortality. with it ticks away the quintessential ingredients of our utopia.
red chillis. yellow cheese. pink star. blue tanks. orange peeled. purple beer. green train. brown coffee. silver sandwiches. gold chain. white sands. blacks salts.
to hell with grey areas. these are the colours. that light up my life.
current aural of a hesitant prize-fighter - Angels Or Devils by Dishwalla.
hitting the sheets after considering the possibility of resuming the mEn-almost-ate-me nightmare. was in legal representation also known as recklessness - the taking of an unjustified risk. with obviously no intention to grossly neglect my emotional sanity. i walked out on my disintegrating joints and detaching brain cells to meet the pouting viva. in between the cereal bowl and wangwang biscuits. it suddenly hit me on how life at the moment. with its bits of filth and crap. is still such a desirable mess.
mess. cus it seems everything thats coming my way is set on automatic. desirable. cus i wouldnt have it any other way.
in life. many people come and go. but if i could keep everybody that i have in my life right this very active moment. and forget about everybody else. i’d be really satisfied. cus i visualise simply. an equation of HAPPINESS.
a spilling tablespoon of good old bosoms to cherish. a selective pinch of added comrades to embrace. an overflowing cup of nutty pees to indulge. a gorging bowl of family remains to nourish. an open plate of buffeting acquaintances to share. all in the context of ‘for good’. and not forgetting of cus. the choking bottle of adversaries to provide self-redemption as i bring a lil more meaning and purpose into the pathetic lives of these cutesies. as they say. love your enemies!
so many things to look forward to. so many people to look forward with. untie my hands. i want to embrace it all.
bye eleven. hello ten.
current aural of accidental anticipation - Somebody Like You by Keith Urban.
her bambi eyes questioned all night. but it was my response that i had to continuously remind myself of. her lips were thisclose. and i was thisclose to sealing them. how long has it been since i last welcomed temptation. as much as i want to embrace it. i dont want another case of simply jumping off track. and facing the risk of getting right back on it. this time around. im not jumping to safe grounds. but jumping straight into another moving train. argueably a bigger risk. but anything to save me from undone. anything to leave behind this half-life.
i hate how i talk about going with the flow. yet resist the waves when it comes. i hate how i am so able to restrain myself. yet want so badly to give in. i hate how strong the walls around me stand. yet desire the day it crumbles. i hate how my pride allows me to stand so tall. yet still brings me to my knees.
i hate why i can pretend not to bother. when i know i really give a damn. i hate why i keep pushing people away. when i really want them to stay. i hate why i cant make the first move. when it is all i have to do.
the bonn testimony of truth. slapped a sore palm across my face. the finale. the final straw. but instead of taking a step back like every other last time. im taking two steps forward. this time round. im giving chances. and taking them.
and if it isnt too selfish of me.
push me. pull me. trip me. take me.
current aural of orange light - Real World by John Mayer.
one-half of a decade. one-twentieth of a century. one-two hundredth of a millenium ago today. i missed the nation’s birthday. sneaked in to a paradise. not knowing i’d never find my way out again.
i saw light last night. it came in the form of fireworks. overseeing the river. it was situated just beside the fifth-bank. i recall that mid summer. everything seemed small. so near to heaven. the union embraced. sealed with a kiss.
in between now and every other last time. wer clever but clueless. always guessing never knowing. too many walls have been built between us. too many dreams have been shattered around us. how many more train wrecks do we need to see. even if i seem to give up. i’ll still never win. in between dreams. im still running. i tell myself. there is no other way. i took a chance then. and jumped off track. everything was intact. but i broke your heart. and later realised. mine too. the angel never appeared again and the devil in me said she’d lead me out the rest of the way. but evil never triumps. only justice prevails. but of all people a law student should discern. justice. it isnt truth to begin with.
words can fall short. all the words we say. and the words we mean. but i keep reading. again and again. had i known that it would have been me. to be destined and lost to the pressures of past undertakings. i might have returned all. and written nothing. had i known mine would be a yellow brick road. i would have made banana pancakes at my hideout. slurpped apples. and listened to the boys sing at my back street.
if a line of reason had ever existed. i had just crossed it. at almost the speed of sound. and yes. in times like these. what will be. will be.
current audio-visual of fools stop - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55yJH1leg4w
wait for me. the most beautiful 3 words anybody can ever say to me. the implications of it absolute. the hope behind it desperate. the faith in it unquestionable. the patience for it genuine. such powerful emotions. such obstinate passion. its a feeling so strong no normal human being can possibly deny it. much less resist it. why couldnt i be normal then?
reality checks. the infamous pride.
these vehement awakenings i once again find myself reminded of as i sat rooted to the red cushions in the screening of The Lake House. my thoughts rake back to the one true forbidden past. the written form of expressions. uncanny. the impairment of time and self-restraint. understated. the underlying affections of the extreme idiosyncrasies sparred apart has to date been the most endearing moments in my life. the years cant be too long ago if you remember them. or can they?
reality bites. it doesnt matter.
second chances. redemption you called it. and always wanted me to believe in it. you said wer only humans. and would all inevitably make mistakes. i dont know what happened the yesteryears after our due. but it was clear that happiness was bonn with you. and smiles were brought back into your life. i dont know why youre not happy now but we all need time to realise what we truly want. time to know what we dont want to be without. time to show what we really feel. cus only time will tell what the mind really thinks. and what the thought really means. time has once again showed you the born happiness. believe in second chances. guess you taught well. and i just want to pass them on to you now. and wish you well.
love is priceless. only in deed.
current aural of sunshine in a bag - I Wish You Love by Lisa Ono.
he wondered with worry. enquired with wary. why a lady who so prominently expresses emotions through writing never once wrote about him. the irony would be that its finally written. but is nothing like what was expected. the often misunderstood lady. saddened by the fact that even someone who has been given such proximity and significance was another one too often. reserved her virgin pen patiently to one day record something so thoughtfully concocted with initiative and persistance that it gives her no choice but to fall head over heels. something so beautiful it accords discredit to the acclaimed pener. the wait. obviously exhaustive. was carried on nevertheless. despite all. the whambamwowihavethemostuncompromisinglyspontaneousrelationshipintheworld state of emotions didnt suffice. the passion that sustained her had to be constantly reminded inside her. and when sustenance exceeded substance. the pent up frustrations burst out. as a hope in vain to solve the potential problems. to ignite passion in the relationship. but which did nothing like that and instead served only to implant more complications.
our thoughts are more often than not thought with too much rationality. how then can love be unconditional? i said love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction. our perspectives may not vary. but our process of perception differs. tremendously.
character differences can serve to spice or dice things. and in our case sadly. it has been the latter. i remember loving that knows no earthly boundaries. loving thats not limited by the 3 dimensional. loving that binds naturally but at the same time still come free and easy. but you remind yourself so much to remember to focus in this 3 dimensional world. and everything i do in goodwill would only serve to induce more bad than good. im often rebellious cus theres just so much consciousness inside me. these immense consciousness would drive one crazy yes. but its the kinda crazy you can never have enough of. my kind of relationships will never be the safe and secure rationally without risks and uncertainty like what you endorse. and this in itself. is incompatibility. at its peak.
behind every great love there must be a great story. and this story has to be a continuous interacting and learning (not just communicating) process between 2 people and not a upfront and i-tell-you-what-i-want-you-tell-me-what-you-want form of love. cus then the very concept of being in a relationship is just one providing for the needs of each other. i need someone to grow with me. not grow on me. i hope in time you’ll see. that a relationship can and should be so much more. it is keeping the passion alive. maintaining the chemistry. something which mattered alot. to me.
i always believe in living life to the fullest. dont wait till you have to do something to do it. cus life’s too short for expecting perfection and too long for meeting expectations. i live my life on the edge. and my love as an edge. like the icing on a cake. my love is giving sugar when its due (something which you didnt understand). my love is spontaneous and wild (something which you couldnt get enough of but didnt reciprocate). my love is giving each other space while at the same time growing old together (something you agreed but couldnt fully comprehend).
my only regret. the extent of extended love and concern that has been evoked in my love ones. the disappointment in their hearts. and mine.
current aural of walking away - Wise Men by James Blunt.
1 sincere poem. 2 bouquet of flowers. 3 birthday cakes. 4 tubs of icecream. 5 surprise visits. 6 ty hugs. 7 thoughtful presents. 8 lunch/dinner treats. 9 dizzy kisses. 10 x10 well wishes. a BIG ‘thank you’ to everyone who made my 20th such a simple yet memorably joyous occassion. i have wiped myself squeaky clean and all ready to embark on the next stage in life yet i can hardly wipe the smile off my face. this sure is one lucky ass girl. who as you can see. counts her blessings. literally.
so who then is this insolent lady in white. walking around with her head held up so high. speaking in a tone so audaciously arrogant. biting off more than she can chew. everybody seems to see her. hear her. who is she they all ask. some curious. others furious. everybody seems to want a piece of her. but does anybody genuinely want to know. who she really is. what she really wants. cus she can no longer tell. the serious from the tedious. the delirious from the perilous.
she is but once a vibrant colour paled to the uncanny white today. a cynic who doesnt believe in fairytales. but secretly wishes for a prince. who like Noah in The Notebook. will never leave her even when she remembers not who he is. who like Matthew in Wicker Park. will never give up on her wherever she is. in fantasy. this little girl dreams big things. but in reality. she is an uncompromisingly huge character with tiny accomplishments to her name. she comprehends that horoscope is bullshit and believes her star which presided over her birth to be that of the Daggerboard and her sign that which reads Danger (well at least it aint Dumb and Dumber). an impatient patient. she denies all allegations of her obstination in pushing herself to the limits and instead blames her feet growing too slowly for the big shoes she has been expected to fill.
awhile ago i wasnt happy. felt underappreciated by people in the position to advance me. misunderstood by the people around me. disappointed with the people who knew me. but ive come to realise how easy life becomes when you stop trying to make people fit into every role you think you require of them. let them be who they are. and see their true nature for what it really is. i did just that and am a happier person now. the formula to my happiness is simply independence. do what you have to in whatever way you want to. time will reveal everything to you endlessly. in its very own subtle way it will walk out on you. leaving behind ticking wonderful memories.
to emerge victoriously a winner from ‘teen’ and confidently walking into ‘ty’ doesnt quite feel like a very big leap to me. like a woMAN who literally is half a man. i have no qualms with taking charge and being in control of every aspect of my life. and how i want it to be. however. i seem to have mellowed and metamorphosed into an elegant ladylike (key word here to note would be ‘like’). and with regards to finding Mr Right. my theory is simple. i pay special attention to quality. and am willing to wait until the right pursuit moves me. i can afford to be choosy.
your passion and your plight. your fury and your elation. your doubt and your conviction. your brilliance and your frustration.
i am.
current aural of faith - Whats Left Of Me by Nick Lachey.
space. something ive always emphasized i needed. something i could never tolerate being compromised. and in context of matters of the heart. space is The Most important thing to give me for me to stay around. if i have left. know that this is what you couldnt give. although as essential as air to breathe. i never expect more of it then what i am entitled to. as much as i know how sometimes i can cross the line and be out of place. i am hardly ever territorial. likewise on the dancefloor. it takes 2 hands to clap. i thought you were smarter than that.
constraints. been feeling it in every connotative sense of the word. in nearly every aspect of my life. work has to be done more than ever. to return the kindness of the understanding boss. dance has to be worked on harder than ever. to be not just a dance figurine but a go-figure. and in life where Man is selfish. you have to learn without being taught. emulate without following wrongly. aint easy i must say. but as long as you’re having fun not at the expense of anyone/anything else. it should be fine. but it is only when you have expectations of yourself do you feel annoyed when you do not achieve it. especially when these expectations rely largely on factors beyond your control. and it comes a point in time whereby reality checks. and you have to loosen the grip of certain things you have been holding on too tight to.
passion. as much as it can fill your life with joy you never thought possible. it can also feel you to the bottomest pits you always thought impossible. its kinda like this. you like something so much. you give it all your time and effort. sacrificing all else to hold on to that dream. but only to realise that "believe in yourself" just aint enough to keep your feet firm on the ground. literally. as i find myself slowly slipping away. and wondering how my reality turns out to be more superficial than my dream at best. and at worst. reality becomes nightmare. as i see plastic figures everywhere around me. smiling at me. talking to me. stepping all over me in the silence i endorse.
its interesting sometimes. just sitting back watching people. how they rally support from each other despite hating each other’s guts. how they talk and laugh with people they absolutely cant communicate with. is it not clear then. that gossip and not love. is the international language understood by all. the language that brings people of all shapes sizes and ages together. the language that degrades the intellectuals to the mediocrity. and the mediocre to stupidity. the very concept that maintains the social fabric by ironically tearing it apart.
its amazing people dont realise. that the very comments these people tell you about someone. are the very comments (probably worse) that they give about you to another someone. and you’ve been chosen to be engaged in such a conversation repeatedly not because everybody loves you (wake up your idea pls), but simply because they dont find you a threat to them (or else they’d be talking about you and not with you. duh!). and knowing that yourself is not a threat. is the worst possible feeling ever. instead of bitching and gossiping about others. why not channel the time and energy you take to be angry to learn more and improve yourself. it would definitely be a smarter thing to do.
large-scale decisions have to be made in return for a politically healthy environment. thanks for enlightening me on this. life has taught me survival of the fittest. yet i find myself battling factors i can never compete with like time and experience. the very factors that distinct me unfavourable. many are apprehensive towards being outstanding for fear of being disliked. well i on the other hand am aiming to get there. watch me. guess i’d rather be thrown into the spotlight knowing well that it is cus i deserve it. it’ll be too much of an insult for my (or anyone’s) worth if it was for welfare purposes. it is a harsh dog-eat-dog world out there. and im glad im prepared for it.
batter and sauce me if you must. your battle is the source of my strength.
current aural of jade-d strength - Straitjacket Feeling by The All-American Rejects.
you try to step back. your heart gives you away. you try to move forward. your mind tells you otherwise. you tear yourself apart asking questions. you wear yourself down finding answers. yet it all comes down to nothing. cus you fail to understand the natural link between love and happiness.
i understand. so much so well. trust may have denied your existence. but without trust. the existence is none. i know you cant and wont find another timeless love. cus all your time’s with me. seeing may not be believing. but i cant deny what i saw. the heir to my throne. but am i not the only queen?
you blinded me with the light i shone for you. fought me with the strength i gave you. returned doubts with the trust i placed upon you. your frequent pouts. my infrequent outs. you wanted chains to your iron fist. with me armed in your circumference. i live not for you but for love. you live not for love but for me. i can take all you have to give. but i wont be a fool for you.
there is indifference to the story told. by a world with many points of view. i have been ignorant sometimes. not by will but by choice. cus thats how we get closer. we cant all be up there. love does not consist in gazing at each other. but in looking together in the same direction. be not my sin. but my kin. i see all that you have done. but i see clearer what you have not. my intelligence you never doubted. so dont battle my intuition. you’ll never win.
a simple paragraph. an unsimple effort. reaching far out to me in my comfort zone. your existence undeniable. the writings. from the heart. it woke me up and made me see. how one more kiss could be the best thing. and one more lie. the worst. the last.
all i ask for. to be happy. to be trusted. to be proud.
current aural of starry eyed surprise - Fallen by Sarah McLachlan.
the cup is not half empty as pessimists say. as far as she sees it. nothings left in the cup. a whole cup full of nothing for her to indulge. since the voice of amibition has long since been shut up. she voyages in circles. succeeds getting nowhere. and submits to the substance that first got her there. she feels not lonely but alone. then in violent frustration. she cries out to the non-existent god. desperate for a reason for her existence. she doesnt do anything but screams for everything. and ends up choking on nothing.
for awhile she was cleaner than now. then she started abusing herself. with things that she love now the things she hate. until it finally dawned on her. that she’s against all that shes made up of. so apathetic in her resentment. she continues living and loving and knowing not. a compromised dancer. she must have caught something in the heat of all the dancing - the thieves of her heart.
green and yellow. its all in how you mix the two. and it starts just where the train lines begin. its a feeling you cannot miss. and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it. worst has got the best of me. a burning passion so misleading. a poison made more potent with the flame. should have done something but ive done enough. the most i can do for you now is keep on lying. deny the truth just like the truth to me. mostly lied. as my yesteryears continue to fill the contents of my yesterdays todays and tommorrows.
today i fell and felt better. just knowing this matters so much. i made it a game to play my life a game. i guess its better i trapped myself in my own way. then fall into a trap laid on by another. unharmed so far cus i am armed. i feel stagnant in my motion. yet all over the place in my immobility. the unknown future scares me. but i want what i want so badly. it isnt me to want something so much. but it has always been me to push my limits. i may need a fist to put me in my place.
current aural of grey skies - Shape Of My Heart by Sting.
dear allan. i like you alot but too many people and things got involved. even though Angie told me you were The Choice it was no longer just about us. the one who gave me a nutella dose of vitamin c at day break. and left me sorry messages as i lay bed. the song by mario winans recalls a name. the name matches a face. the face which reminds me of why racing cars make me blue.
i dont know why i think of you i dont know who to talk to about it. i dont know when i stopped being angry i dont know what to blame. i dont know how i should react around you. i dont know where to go. just so i’d see you again.
dear chris. i liked you too much too quickly. you had a charismatic way about you and you rocked my world. you were the first boy i ever considered we were like the best of friends. i caused you so much anguish you locked tongues and dismantled teddy. you were too prepared and i just wasnt ready. its kinda too bad we could have had much more fun.
i dont know how we came together. but i can never forget where we’ve been. i dont know how we could have had so much fun. i dont know why we didnt last. i dont know when i started to feel differently. i dont know who you have become. i dont know why you’re still waiting. i dont know what we should be.
dear jonathan. i like you muchly and i’d be lying if i said i was completely unscathed. you’ve been nothing but emotionally available and giving. i remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep in your arms. and watched soccer alongside Ben and Jerrys. you gave me coffee in the buns. but you were the caffeine in my life. i may not be addicted. but i was the most serious i could ever have been.
i dont know why i walked away i dont know what i want. i dont know how i could have left you but at that time i dont know who i was. i dont know when things started to go wrong. but i know where to turn to. for the purest and truest emotions.
dear sockz. we learned so much i realise we wont be able to talk for some time. i kept drawing you in and pushing you away. but you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself. i understand the long distance thing was the hardest and we did the best we could. in our lives i will always have your back and be regretful about how i was how i could have been and how i have become.
i dont know where to begin of how it all ended i dont know whos fault it is i dont know what exactly happened i dont know when it became this serious i dont know how to make things right again i dont know why im still stuck.
current aural of cautious reminiscence - Home by Michael Buble.
language. the expression where thoughts are accumulated. the articulation to which emotions are conveyed. the communication in which sentiments are affected. the awareness from which conciousness is manifested.
mental physical and emotional expressions are somewhat tangible and no doubt desirable. but it is the beauty of language that has always been the lasting and fascinating intimacy for me. the reaches of it grazes the virginest insides of me. and caresses the blindest resides in me. this level of vulnerable irresistability has not been exploited often thou i almost wish it would be abused to very bitter ends.
movies like Neil LaBute’s Possession and Richard Linklater’s Before Sunrise/Before Sunset explores language to the superlative absolute and intrigues me to such a level of orgasmic experience that i keep going back for more. the relationships potrayed within are the liaisons i yearn for and never found. its the powerful language. the extensive words. the intense phraseology. the rich vocabulary. just does something to me. and sends a shocker right through me everytime.
i am hopelessly attracted to wit. in whichever ways it is executed. the inhumane attribute which unwittingly undermines the importance of grace and compassion. im also impossibly intrigued by passion-led expressions. in subtle forms like sensual dancing and sexual foreplay. and in obvious forms like fillial piety and sincere persistance.
ive been lucky. having been blessed with the gift of gab. this figure of speech has allowed me to explore my abilities. exit my limitations. and exploit my acquaintances. lyrics of a song. conversations with peers. contents of a book. debates in everyday life. scripted dialogues in films. they all affect me in some way or another. positively or negatively. thats besides the point.
as a credited victim under the decorum of language. my lifetime resolution. to acquire at least 7 other foreign languages. beginning with my first love. the beautiful espanol.
quirky would be the best way to describe the way im feeling now. and its probably (if not definitely) due to the excessive exposure to media romanticism these past few days. then again. could it be that i have reached a stage in life that craves a soulmate that brings with it a serious commitment? and yes. this is coming from the mouth of an impossibly free-er free spirit.
lately. been listening to alot of class95. been watching alot of high-end romance films. these romantic and sentimental emotions. i never knew existed. or maybe i did. but having lived the way i lived. i just couldnt come to terms with it.
im a person very much led by the thresholds of my passion. and for the first time in my life. my capacity for passion stems from the desire to want to settle down instead of the usual in which passion stems from the thrill of new fatal attractions. reflecting on how my love life has been so flippantly messy as i allow passion to lead me (better understand this by relating to the saying of the blind leading the blind). all these fooling around. all these flinging about. all these testing of the romantic waters. has brought me this far. and left me this faraway.
with people whom ive breached the distance with just cus i wanted to feel close. with people whom ive let my guard down just cus i wanted the attention and company. with people whom i allowed to walk into my life just cus i couldnt see a reason at all to refuse. the number of these people i can no longer keep track of. would shock the flyest babe. and bring to shame the playest player. these people. they saw glimpses of this newfound discovery. some explored it. others manipulated it. but they were all turned away nonetheless. u can call it cowardice. u can call it despicable. call it anything u want. but it just didnt feel right. i just didnt feel the way ive always thought i would feel. the way everyone would have felt with someone at some point in their lives. the ultimate loss of one’s rationality. the constant fear of losing someone. the undesirable need to possess. the perpetual feel of being preoccupied. the frequent visits by the green-eyed monster. i want a taste of it all.
to involve strength from the being of another. cus the strength people see in me. theyre not there at most times. to pride myself in the having of another. cus the smarts people see in me. they fail me many a times. i wanna indulge in a fusion pot of dangerously vulnerable vibes. i want to learn to play by the rules. even though its high chance that i’ll break it.
with this much said. im still gonna go with the flow. but gonna take things slow. not gonna be easy especially for someone whos nature and nurture happens to run parallel to each other. but im gonna try at least. to override bits of the former with an influential amount of the latter. i however do not regret any thing with regards to my past sanctioned relationships or the quasi ones. cus ive grown from it and taken away valuable lessons with each experience. people say to be there to catch them if they fall. i say catch me only if u can make me fall.
i enjoyed the thrill. enjoyed the mess. enjoyed the kink. but im all for sinking now. throw me a float only if ure able to swim in my uncertain waters. carry me only if u can take the weight of my reasonable unreasons. bite off more than u can chew but dont want what u cant handle.
push me. pull me. trip me. take me.
current aural of idiosyncrasy - Infatuation by Christina Aguilera.
a spirit that knows no limit. a being that knows no ceiling. a wordsmith with no possibility of retirement. not seduced by illusion or fair-weathered friends. with tendencies for conversations that raise brows. we share a similar culture vernacular. with love for dark humour and challanged defiance. a character who lives by the signals of only his own perceptions. he would not try to break my wall of defence. but instead lead me around it. with intuition as his guide.
you’re an emotion away. which emotion exactly i do not know. the mind its been messed. the heart wont be toyed. and when i recall of the time we met. the situation looked harmless enough. you were tempted. i was intrigued. gambling cards were dealt at our table. but there were more players than we expected. they all had Kings or Jacks. but you revealed a double-edged Joker. and i. the only Queen. its wasnt all my fault. you and i. we respired even before any facts could properly transpire. and now from nowhere. my unfinished thing that firsts a lifetime. your crazy thing that lasts a lifetime. our duet that played the rhythm to which our hearts beat. you remember more than what was reminded. and reminded more than what i could remember. but still wer not convinced enough to take on everything. people gamble to win. we win to gamble. being the cautious idiots we are. we could just walk away. like before.
whatever motives you may have for doing what you do. a passion for contradiction. a dislike of the obvious. or a simple wish to please. if there is a point you’re trying to make. an intent you wish to execute. i just want you to know this. that your intentions have been genuinely and effectively brought across. to court or to not. to con or to fuse. whatever it is. do get down to the heart of the matter soon.
and yes Mr Play It Safe. meet Ms Play It Safer. ive got one hand in my pocket. and the other one’s hailing a taxi. my tendency to want to do away feels natural. but my inclination to want to stay close feels like nature’s call. you do not light up my life. you just make me colourblind.
current aural of fusing confusions - Something About You by Five For Fighting.
dropped by to wish the realm of human existence an inhuman celebration. yes Happy Halloween to y’all insignificant proletariats. to the tons of other begrudging bookworms out there like myself. enjoy the occasion. cus wer the peeps faced with the most fearful and dreaded thing physically mentally and emotionally possible at the moment — books.
to the tonner tons of assholes who are themselves celebrating this otherwise fun as hell occasion. getting scared by objects nothing scarier than what us worms have our noses poked into. i dont mind sharing my books =) and to my idiotic friends. thank you for making my 2005 halloween so temptingly filled with envy. and so ceaselessly visited by the green-eyed monster. my brain excreted so much fluids i swear my brain cells were having a mass orgy session in my head. with the reason cells frolicking the passion cells. and vice versa. november juices or monday blues. you tell me.
keeping this short to give my very worked out brain cells a break. its back to human geography once ive posted this shit. cant wait. well at least i have the human factor for company on this supposed scary occasion. mug hard peeps. it’ll all be over sooner than u know it. and as for me. halloween lasts the entire month of the eleven. the A levels. my nightmare before christmas.
current aural of saturated insatiability - Hands by Jewel.
ive seen many faces. read many plots. heard many sounds. touched many souls. but never have i seen such a photogenic face. read such deciphered encryptions. heard such careless whispers. touched such sensuous beings. a undeniably beautiful person. but a letdown nonetheless.
you remember dates with the vampire. and romeos who drank pumpkin soup. myriad of tones. confident play of emotions. mature exchange of wistful tales. witty rebuttals. classy compliments. tactful assumptions. immense chemisty. people enquired. people doubted. as if she was like that they said. could have been more than a temporary passion i say.
its scary how everyone who enters the life of someone turns out to be pretentious. fake. and unappreciative at the very end. its kinda like poverty i think. a vicious cycle that plays a never-ending song. maybe thats why people always left. maybe thats why i didnt stay. its tough i know. staying connected without contact. guess that little that i was asking for. was still too much. everybody wears masks. everybody talks about superficiality. everybody pisses. everybody shits. unleash the dogs. unleash the masks. clean up the mess. clean up the mass. humans are intrinsically evil. humans are everywhere. social evils. social ills. victims. thats what we all are. revenge. doesnt have to work both ways.
never needed anything. never wanted anything. never asked for anything. you questioned. you doubted. you didnt understand. i called for dutch. i called for non-exclusive. i called for independence. i may not call often. but you were my calling. if theres a distance between us. its you and i and i.
on a lighter note. i wanna apologise to a certain someone. for not being there when she was going thru her toughest times. when pressure was at its peak with exams and all. im glad you made it. thou i was sure right from the very beginning that you would. to that specific mosquito. thankyou for the lil sweet notes and gifts you dropped off. despite me not having any time whatsoever to even drop you a message much less meet up with you. thankyou for always being around. but most of all. for knowing how important this period of time is to me. and not expecting anything in return. thankyou for giving so much. knowing very well that i cant offer anything at all in return. guess this is what they call genuinely caring for someone. from the heart. with no expectations whatsoever. thankyou darling.
a line’s a dime a million times. the rightings i thought i’d never see. i became bulimic. with the taste of your ink. carry on if you must. its your turn now. and forever. but everything from my side. ends right here. in this blueprint. cus all that i missed. wasnt that good to begin with.
current aural of pigeons and crumbs - Cut Up Angels by The Used.
